darth ada's sing-along blog

i'm ok. i knew that i didn't do all that well on the test, so it's ok that i didn't pass. i'm not going to make excuses as to why i didn't do well. fact is, i did my best. so how i can i complain? it is what it is (current favourite catch phrase) and i'm ok.

i'll take the retest and take it from there.

i'm ok.

xx darth ada xx

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

Apologies for not posting on this blog before now. It's the night before derby tryouts and I'm facing some fears.

Over the past five years, grief, depression and laziness have turned me into a (larger) shadow of my former self. A gutsy person is still in there, though, surviving, and derby is resurrecting her. Being back on wheels is exhilarating and I'm loving the feeling of long-lost skills (and muscles!) returning. In roller derby, I see a way to get back some things I've lost: fitness, confidence, pride and guts.

When I was nine or ten, I was always on skates – every spare minute of the day not spent at school, eating, sleeping or reading, I was on wheels. And I was fearless. I moved onto blades in my teens and then once I left school, as with too many things, I gave it up. I used to be a writer as well – poems and stories just flowed out of my pen – but I lost confidence along the line and threw in the towel.

Boot camp has been a challenge, especially since the second week in which I injured myself during the first drill. The fearful voice inside me started questioning whether I really could be a derby girl, whether I was too fat, too weak, whether I should just stop wasting everyone's time. All these thoughts were running through my head as I watched the rest of the training session from the sidelines, then limped away from the rink and blinked back tears on the long drive home. But, sitting in the bath at home, soaking my screaming muscles, I felt a hunger to be part of something incredible – that glory I see on the derby track – and I knew I had to keep going. Thinking about the tryouts tomorrow terrifies me, as has the idea of putting the pen to this blank page, but I know this fear is good and I'm ready for more...

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors

When I was eight or so I put together a picture book called What Good Luck, What Bad Luck based on the idea behind the Fortunately / Unfortunately picture book from the 1960's. It was about a boy who went fishing with his grandfather (because I'm obviously a subject expert on both fishing and being a boy) and each page started with either "What good luck" or "What bad luck" in turn, something like this:

What good luck!
Poppy took me fishing in the boat.
What bad luck!
It started to rain.
What good luck!
Poppy had remembered to bring his raincoat.
What bad luck!
I had forgotten mine.

You get the idea.

I was reminded of this book recently when thinking about a skater who has injured herself and may not be able to attempt the white star test. I hope her story, like the book, ends in good luck.

Bonnie xo

stack it up, skater

this is an old sesame street song pippa and i have sung a few times a week for the past 6 months. it's about all that women can be - astronauts, pilots, poets, wood choppers, roller skaters. in addition to it being educational and entertaining for pips, i use it as a motivational tool for me. i can be a roller skater. i can be a roller skater.

last night's bootcamp was the best one yet. i thought it would be. week one was overwhelmingly exciting, week two was the come down, and last night it all leveled out. i could barely sleep when i went to bed - i was all twitchy with the radness of it. btw, i totally got plow stops. oh yeah. calamity maim, i thank you.

i'm still nervous and worried that i wont be good enough to make it into the league, but all i can do is what i do. i think i'll be an asset to a league that's By the Skaters, For the Skaters. I'm a DIY girl from way back. but will my skating skills stack up??

we'll soon find out.

xx darth ada xx

Roller Derby is a Cruel Mistress (but I love her)

It’s hard to say why I was so drawn to roller derby as soon as I saw it. I suppose you could say it was the atmosphere in the rink, the costumes and theatrics, and of course the beautiful and awe-inspiring derby girls. But it certainly wasn’t for love of physical activity. I have always been inherently lazy. I’m the person who never stands if she can sit, never sits if she can lie down. So I had no idea how much I would love the pure physicality of roller skating.

Before boot camp started, the most roller skating I had done in the last 16 years was a Friday night trip to the local rink a few weeks ago (to see if I still remembered how to skate at all). I doubt I’d even really thought about how much dedication, training and exertion would be required to be able to be one of those derby girls I so admired from the ringside. I wanted the glamour, the confidence, the sexiness of being so good at something, but I hadn’t really thought about what it entailed to be good.

And as it turns out, it entails a lot – you aren’t surprised are you? Since I’ve started boot camp I have been skating at least every other day. I’m eating twice as much as my body desperately tries to scrounge up energy in order to keep up with my enthusiasm. In the first week I made great progress in learning falls, stops and crossovers. Then I hit an enormous stumbling block: I can’t turn to the right. I can skate quite well in an anti-clockwise circle, and I can perform “lateral movement” to the left, but when I try and go to the right it’s like the whole floor gets tilted onto a bizarre angle and I’m convinced I’ll overbalance. But the surprising part is that I don’t mind having this problem, it only makes me more determined. I’m one of those people who have really low tolerance for sticking to something they’re not immediately good at.

So why has roller derby got me so hooked? Because its cunning, that’s why. It understands the psychological technique of push-pull. You get into your skates and off you go, it’s wonderful, like flying. Then you try something difficult, like maybe turning a corner, and you fall on your arse. But the embarrassment and the adrenalin rush from the pain only makes you try harder to get it right. Then you get it right and you feel amazing, you have never felt your body behave so gracefully, with such responsiveness, as you move this way and that. Then you hit the next barrier, but this time you know what it feels like to get it right. You start skating twice as often as before to fix your problem.

And that, to the best of my understanding, is how the evil temptress that is roller derby operates. She lures you in with the gorgeous spectacle of a derby bout, then when you are trying it out for yourself she puts all these hurdles in the way. But just as you are becoming terribly frustrated, she rewards you with the most exquisite feeling of physical control, grace and power – it’s intoxicating!

We were told at the beginning of our fresh meat journey that we would become obsessed. That we would skate constantly and, when not skating, we would think, talk and dream about skating. Well, last week I did actually wake myself up from a nap on the couch by kicking the coffee table: in my dream I was pushing off with my right skate for a crossover. This indicates two things, firstly that I am helplessly in the clutches of roller derby and, secondly, I can’t even turn to the right in my dreams!

Weaving? That's like a crafty thing, right?

Session two of bootcamp is over. Halfway there, but so far to go. I can see and feel how I have improved; I'm skating lower and faster, I'm stopping without the aid of a wall and I can even jump things. I know I'm getting better, but will it be enough to get in? Some days I think I might have a chance and other days I have almost accepted that I won't. It's all I think about and my partner is so sick of me asking about my stance (it's lower right?), my strength (can you just count my sit ups for me) and my speed (do YOU think that was faster?). I've also discovered, much to my shock and dismay, that he does not give a shit about wheels, bearings and the art of double lacing.

Maybe I should start asking him how his day was again? :)

I know that those who are invited into the league need to pass the white star test, but due to the huge number of freshies just passing the test alone won't be enough to get in. I guess if it was me making the decisions I would be looking for those who really want it and will commit to turning up to training two or three times a week for the next twelve months at a minimum. But how do you test for that? Imagine passing and not getting in and then hearing about people who did get in dropping out after a few months. How devastating would that be?

This line of thought will do my head in.

I'm going back to one day at a time. I'm going to concentrate on the skating skills and I'm not going to worry about who and how and why and when. I want to know I did my best. I want to follow the philosophy of doing what you can with what you have where you are right now. And if I don't make it then I'll try again next time.

Right after I buy shares in Kleenex.

Bonnie xo

roll with it, baby

i spent several hours with frozen peas strapped to my thighs last night. and today, i'm slathered with deep heat.

last night at bootcamp part 2, i excitedly began doing knee stops when something in each thigh snapped. i sat out for the entire drill chatting to two significantly injured freshies about the glory of pain.

i rejoined my group when they started doing T stops. but i felt weak and the pain in my legs was holding me back. i couldn't jump very high, and the two minute sprint nearly killed me. i sucked at weaving and skating on one leg was tough.

i went to sydney this weekend for a wedding. spent a couple of days there with favourite friends. pippa and my partner stayed home though and i missed them. i was pretty drained when i finally got home, but had to high tail it to bootcamp only two hours later. i was unfocussed, tired, sore and disheartened. i was torn. i wanted to be at home.

like slicer, i left bootcamp last week feeling excited. but this week, i sucked. my body failed me. i don't know what i expected really. i'm not fit, i'm not athletic. i still haven't fully recovered from my pregnancy and as a new mum, i don't get enough rest.

i'm left with a sense of failure and fear. roller skating has taken over my life, it's true. it's all i think about, talk about, read about, do. i'm worried that i want it too much. placing too much emphasis on it. it feels similar to having suffered a broken heart then being faced with the prospect of another relationship. what if it doesn't work out?

ok... so. what i will do is take a couple of days off from skating. look after my legs. do gentle stretches. smile through the pain. it's ok to have ups and downs. this is the roller girl journey.

i need to roll with it. i need to get down and derby.

xx darth ada xx