Weaving? That's like a crafty thing, right?

Session two of bootcamp is over. Halfway there, but so far to go. I can see and feel how I have improved; I'm skating lower and faster, I'm stopping without the aid of a wall and I can even jump things. I know I'm getting better, but will it be enough to get in? Some days I think I might have a chance and other days I have almost accepted that I won't. It's all I think about and my partner is so sick of me asking about my stance (it's lower right?), my strength (can you just count my sit ups for me) and my speed (do YOU think that was faster?). I've also discovered, much to my shock and dismay, that he does not give a shit about wheels, bearings and the art of double lacing.

Maybe I should start asking him how his day was again? :)

I know that those who are invited into the league need to pass the white star test, but due to the huge number of freshies just passing the test alone won't be enough to get in. I guess if it was me making the decisions I would be looking for those who really want it and will commit to turning up to training two or three times a week for the next twelve months at a minimum. But how do you test for that? Imagine passing and not getting in and then hearing about people who did get in dropping out after a few months. How devastating would that be?

This line of thought will do my head in.

I'm going back to one day at a time. I'm going to concentrate on the skating skills and I'm not going to worry about who and how and why and when. I want to know I did my best. I want to follow the philosophy of doing what you can with what you have where you are right now. And if I don't make it then I'll try again next time.

Right after I buy shares in Kleenex.

Bonnie xo

roll with it, baby

i spent several hours with frozen peas strapped to my thighs last night. and today, i'm slathered with deep heat.

last night at bootcamp part 2, i excitedly began doing knee stops when something in each thigh snapped. i sat out for the entire drill chatting to two significantly injured freshies about the glory of pain.

i rejoined my group when they started doing T stops. but i felt weak and the pain in my legs was holding me back. i couldn't jump very high, and the two minute sprint nearly killed me. i sucked at weaving and skating on one leg was tough.

i went to sydney this weekend for a wedding. spent a couple of days there with favourite friends. pippa and my partner stayed home though and i missed them. i was pretty drained when i finally got home, but had to high tail it to bootcamp only two hours later. i was unfocussed, tired, sore and disheartened. i was torn. i wanted to be at home.

like slicer, i left bootcamp last week feeling excited. but this week, i sucked. my body failed me. i don't know what i expected really. i'm not fit, i'm not athletic. i still haven't fully recovered from my pregnancy and as a new mum, i don't get enough rest.

i'm left with a sense of failure and fear. roller skating has taken over my life, it's true. it's all i think about, talk about, read about, do. i'm worried that i want it too much. placing too much emphasis on it. it feels similar to having suffered a broken heart then being faced with the prospect of another relationship. what if it doesn't work out?

ok... so. what i will do is take a couple of days off from skating. look after my legs. do gentle stretches. smile through the pain. it's ok to have ups and downs. this is the roller girl journey.

i need to roll with it. i need to get down and derby.

xx darth ada xx

Life is beautiful when you hold the keys to your own kingdom.

I'm not what one would refer to as sporty, athletic or even semi-coordinated. Up until I had my son I had the blessing of a high metabolism and good genes so I never had to worry about my weight. To me a "fun run" is an oxymoron and a gym is a place where people went to sweat and perform synchronised movements to awful music, so I was never interested. Perhaps this is why, when I decided to express my interest in joining VRDL some months ago, my friends I mentioned it to looked at me like I had suggested I wanted to move to the moon.

So.....why roller derby?

To be honest, I'm not really sure, but I know what it isn't. It isn't boredom. I'm crazy busy all the time with work, study, sole parenting and attempting to have some kind of a life. It isn't a love of exercise, of sweating or of getting a perfect ass. I've accepted my post baby body is never going to look like the before photos and while I'm not deliriously happy about it, most days I can accept it. It isn't a deep desire to beat the living crap out of chicks on wheels either.

Maybe it is about being the me I want to be, or the me I can't express in other areas of my life. When my son's father left unexpectedly after five years of knowing nothing else it wasn't him I missed, but the woman I was before I moved in with him. That woman was brave and confident and opinionated and passionate and full of energy. That woman was tough. That woman was derby.

And maybe I can find that woman again.

Bonnie xo

fuck dancing, put your skates on!

i first saw derby girls when i was walking home past the melbourne museum. i almost tripped over myself watching them. i wasn't sure at first what they were doing, but i was in awe. i stopped and watched them for a minute, amazed at their style - hella tough and hella sexy. once it dawned on me who they were, i knew. i knew that i was a derby girl too.

it was a couple of years later that i started hearing about bouts. a work friend took me along one time cos she'd seen a doco on the roller derby and decided that i couldn't live another minute without witnessing it. and from the second the girls rolled out, i was hooked and felt again that sense of belonging.

i think roller derby is revolutionary. it's powerful, feminist, inspiring, fun, cool, tough. it's all i've been thinking about since i bought my skates.

the problem is, i take pain way too seriously. i've known this for a long time and i've spent a lot of time struggling with it. i have a bunch of tattoos but i hate getting them. i go through hell in the lead up to any appointments and am entirely anxious throughout the whole process. my tattooist thinks i'm hilarious (and lame). i gave birth last year. i felt clear that i wanted to have a normal birth, with no medical interventions so i spent my whole pregnancy thinking about pain and my relationship to it. i succeeded in that i had a 42 hour labour with no pain relief at all. what an amazing accomplishment. the next step for me is to join the roller derby. i don't want the fear of pain to stop me from doing incredible things. i want to show my daughter that we can overcome significant fears by launching right in. i intend to prove to her that fear will not stop me and by doing so my hope is that fear wont stop her.

i've been skating with a bunch of excellent women for a few weeks, all of us hopeful to make the league. we start bootcamp in 3 days and each of us is sick with excitement. partly, i'm nervous, afraid of failure, afraid i'll suck, afraid i'll be afraid. i'm also eager, determined, future focussed and wrapt to have met so many rad ladies.

emma goldman said "if i cant dance to it, it's not my revolution". i say 'fuck dancing, put your skates on!'.

xx darth ada xx